Reflections: Holy Discontent

I didn't know how to define this feeling... 

It was like a hole. A gap. A disconnect. I felt it in my heart and in my spirit. 

I did what many do when they feel this angst. I got on Google. But it didn't help.

You see, I knew that there was this emptiness in me that I shouldn't have. I am a follower of Jesus, and in the moment I began to follow him, my life changed. I would never feel empty or incomplete again. He's always with me. 

So years later, there I was... what changed? Why was I feeling this way? Was I far from God? Do I need to prayer more? Or just have more faith? What is going on?

After much prayer and chatting with friends, I discovered something that changed everything.

"Holy Discontent." 

I wasn't far from God, or not "faithful" enough. No, I discovered that God placed in my spirit a "holy discontent" as a way to spur me on to what His plan was for me. 

I had a good life, actually, a great life. Great family, incredible friends, my personal ministry was growing and impacting lives. Life was good. But I knew there was more, I just couldn't put my finger on it. This term, "holy discontent" brought immediate relief! Yes. This was exactly what I was experiencing. 

So now what? I headed back to Google to research the things I knew were on my heart, but nothing seemed to fit the bill. 

I researched things from Fair Trade shopping, to international student exchanges, even fostering dogs. But nothing made a dent in this hole I felt in my spirit. While all of those are wonderful things we should care about, nothing got my heart pumping. 

Until I saw a local announcement for a Foster Care Orientation. 

"Let's just go learn about it" I said to Mac. True to Mac-style, he said "sure." And we were signed up. 

I went to that orientation, anxious. If we did this, it would change everything. Nevertheless, I was ready for whatever this night brought. 

Here's where I get real honest...

I sat in that room, and felt icky. I had the sickest feeling in my stomach, I was creeped out. 

Can I get even more honest? I listened to stories of people in the room who explained why they were signing up for foster care, and I was on the verge of vomiting. 

Actual responses and questions from these people ranged from: "Well, I'm already raising my grandkids, I might as well get paid for it" to "how much more do I get if I foster an infant?" The spirit of these questions wasn't focused on the children who desperately need help and a loving home. These questions came from a selfish, me-centered mentality, and I couldn't handle it.

I was disgusted. This wasn't for us. 

I left and felt relief. You see, when you have a "holy discontent", and you're pursuing what it is, when you check one box off your list, it's encouraging. That's one less thing I need to be focusing on. God wasn't calling us into foster care, He had something else in mind. 

I went back to Google, I kept praying, and kept searching... What could it be? 

Fast-forward three years...

I woke up one morning and knew. We were supposed to foster. I knew it. I couldn't explain it, but it had been a long season of navigating this "holy discontent". It was tiring. When you follow Jesus, you know that His Spirit is leading and guiding you. There's faith in the journey, but some days are long and confusing. 

Suddenly, on this morning, I knew. And the angst and emptiness, the confusion and wondering? It was gone. We were going to foster. (Keep in mind... this just meant a different type of angst and confusion was knocking on our doorstep! But that's another blog post for another day.)

We signed up for another orientation, and it was perfect. There were incredible people in the room, loving parents, grandparents, people struggling to have kids of their own, and other's who grew up in "the system" and wanted to give these kids the best lives possible. It was full of people who believed in reunification and that helping a family become stable and safe is a win all around.  

Ten weeks of pretty intense training, homework, home visits and assessments happened. Mac traveled extensively for work during this time, but he was committed and made this happen. On his weekends home, we'd paint and get furniture for the bedroom, we screwed on cabinet latches and locked up all the chemicals. We were ready.

On March 13th we were approved by the state to become a foster family. On March 16th, we welcomed our first placement into our home. 

And our lives were forever changed.

This isn't a hero story. This isn't a story of a family coming in and saving the day for one kiddo. This isn't an easy story. In fact, there is not a day that goes by where I don't wish I would have tried harder, fought more, stood up more clearly and aggressively to fight a system that is broken. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about him, and how I miss him, and what would have happened if he was still with us. 

This is a story about a calling. It's a story of pursuing. We are no longer foster parents. And we've taken on new "holy discontents". But we did what God called us to do and we will continue to pursue Him as we live out our lives.

What I want you to know is that God has a plan for you. No matter what age, or stage or situation in life you find yourself in. He's in the middle of it. And if you let him, He'll call you, shape you, direct you into and toward the life and calling He has on your life. He needs you to fulfill His work on this earth. 

He needs you to say yes when it's scary.

He needs you to go into the danger zone. 

He needs you to fight for those without a voice. To feed the hungry, to house the homeless, to love the immigrant, the refugee, the lost and the lonely. He. Needs. You.

So if you feel a stirring in your soul, an angst or emptiness that you just can't figure out... keep on my friend. Pursue Him, pursue the call, embrace the journey. You might just find it's the journey of a lifetime.