Just For Tonight

Just for tonight... I won't be the bad guy.

As I type, my two kiddos are asleep next to me in my bed. They just fell asleep. It's late. It's a school night. Homework due tomorrow is not yet done. But just for tonight... I won't be the bad guy. 

As a matter of fact, I planned it this way. I knew it would be late, and I knew I could potentially pay for this in the morning, but I stopped on my way home tonight, rented a Redbox and surprised my kiddos with a movie they have wanted to see. Tomorrow is going to be battle. We most likely will oversleep, wake up and run around like crazy trying to eat breakfast finish homework, pack lunches and argue about what my daughter wants to wear to school.  But just for tonight... I won't be the bad guy.

I spent my early evening watching my friend say good-bye to her mother. Friends and family gathered, hundreds. It was beautiful. Touching. So many tender things said about a life lost way too soon. 

While I am sharing in the grief of all who were with me this evening, I am resolved. I am going to be intentional with my kids tonight. I am going to hold them a little longer, snuggle a little closer and give extra kisses. Because just for tonight... I won't be the bad guy.

So often in life, I get caught up in what the world expects of me. I am supposed to have a tidy home, never a dirty sock to be seen, my kids hair should always be in place (Ha! Have you met my son?) and beds are made every morning. Don't even get me started on elementary school homework! Even if I could achieve all of this on a daily basis... I don't want to. 

I don't want to be the mom or woman that society tells me I should be. I want to be who God designed me to be. The mom my kids need me to be. God knit me, all my characteristics, physical traits and more, together before I was born.  In Job, chapter 33, verse 4, Job says, "The Spirit of God has made me." He designed me and my children to be a perfect fit. If I truly believe this is so, why do I let society influence who I am meant to be? 

When I let society mold me, I suddenly want to be seen as the woman who has it all together. A woman whose children are well behaved and don't stand on the booths at Dairy Queen. Whose children would never think of rolling their eyes when they don't get their way. And she would definitely not yell at them for it if they did. She would never imagine in engaging in battle with them over homework each night. My expectations are quite unrealistic. I can never measure up. Even worse, what side of me comes out when I try to keep it together? I can promise you.... It ain't pretty.  

I won't get it right, ever. I will fail every single day. But I have hope, for, by the grace of God, He is with me. He will never leave me. When I deserve it the least, He will be there. In my moments of pure joy and my times of deep sorrow, even in my raw and un-pretty motherhood battle, He will be there.

My time on earth is short. And the time I have with my little ones is even shorter.  So I am breaking the mold. I am going to hold them a little longer, snuggle a little closer and give extra kisses. Because just for tonight... I won't be the bad guy.